Dating after divorce: Cheryl’s essay on rediscovering herself solo

I believe that long before we even get to the concept of dating after divorce, people often need to first date themselves.

I think taking the time to flirt with ideas about who we are and what we need allows us to reconnect with ourselves as an individual, which eventually will make us a better partner.

When I started writing the 365 Days to Find Love blog (archived here on our blog page), I was approached by Liz Pearl of Toronto to write a short story on “Dating after Divorce” that would later  be published as part of book that she was the editing. It was to be the fourth volume of “Living Legacies,” a  Collection of Writings by  Contemporary Jewish Women. I was honoured but also felt that, more important than writing a list of do’s and don’ts or dating strategies, my 1,500 words would be more beneficial  if I shared the emotions and thoughts that had brought me to this place.

Here is my story, the one  that lead me to the point where I, Cheryl Besner, felt ready to find love again.

PS: On this week’s, show I welcomed Anne-France Goldwater to the show and she too agreed that people need time to heal first and foremost before dating again after divorce. Listen tomorrow night at 10pm as Anne-France shares more insight into the wold of dating after divorce from the vantage point of a lawyer who has seen and heard it all! Then check out my Dating after Divorce video on Youtube!

 Dedicated to anyone sending out an SOS.Here I am, 52 years young and I find myself in a place that I thought I had long ago left behind-never to revisit. I lovingly refer to this as my dyslexic dating stage; as the last time I was single was in 1985 and I was 25.

I am not sure how I ended up in this strange land. I packed my bags, bought a one-way ticket (or so I thought) to paradise, buckled up and took off in a journey only to arrive at an alternate destination due to unavoidable inclement weather.

As the turbulence intensified my breathing became compromised. I knew I had to put on my oxygen mask first as I could not help those I loved unless I prepared myself first.

Talk about a crash landing and without any life jackets.

I found myself on a deserted beach, the rubble from what was my life scattered all around. I realized I was bleeding, but there was no time to tend to my wounds as there were other, more fragile victims laying at my feet.  The chair where my co-pilot once sat was now empty. We were not abandoned but as the pane hit the ground he had been catapulted to a secluded island of his own. There was no survival manual in sight you to guide either of us. The only certainty was that all of us had to find our way back to a new reality.

After a while, I began to wonder if there was something more I could have possibly done to prevent the plane from going down. More importantly, could I possibly figure out a way to repair the engines that had failed us.

Hope emerged from the rubble. Maybe there is a life raft somewhere that can save us?

Days turned into weeks. I found there were so many survival skills that I lacked, but why? I had lived alone for eight years before I met my husband and managed to take care of all my personal needs and responsibilities with ease. When had I given up my independence? Why had I recklessly abandoned that sense of self and become so dependent on someone else?

Now in a place with no distinct boundaries to defined me, I was faced with the pivotal question: “Who am I?” I was a mother and wife for so long I could not recognize the woman that now stood alone on that Sunday shoreline. I couldn’t find that feeling of security of security as the sand got washed away from under my feet as the tide rolled out. I was starting to get the lay of the land and understand the elements that challenge me, but I couldn’t easily adapt. I needed to hone my skills and conquer my feelings of insecurity about my future and all the complications as it approached at the waters edge.

Our children needed security and hope. They had to feel that no matter what happened, we would both work towards getting them home to a safe place. The landscape would be different from what they remember, but the love we shared will always be there to protect them even though they may doubt it at present. At the same time, it was important to communicate the message that not all relationships necessarily fail. Do not despair.

After being stranded on the island for what seemed like an eternity,  the clouds receded, revealing the rescue team which came into view. As a family, we had survived the storm. There were scars, but they would hopefully fade with time.

There I was. Home at last. Now what?

I learned to take care of my children and run my home without the daily help of a partner. I had become the gardener, painter, mechanic, electrician, plumber and accountant; I was digging myself out from many different piles of life’s accumulations, as well as four feet of snow and after a storm. I was stronger than I thought possible. I’m proud of where I had landed.

But like many others alone without a partner, my feet felt cold and I realized I was missing the warmth of another person in my life.  A partner with whom to hold hands and hopefully walk through life with again someday. I had created a new world for myself that was full and sharing it with the right person would be knowing I was home.

The fear that we will never meet someone again is common among many men and women coming out of long-term relationships. Now that my family was settled, I chose to conquer my dilemma of how to start dating again. Opening up to my desire to welcome a new person into my life came slowly but naturally with time.

Fueled by my passion for networking and being a connector, I decided to re-enter the world as a single woman, embracing every interaction and connection I made on a daily basis. I believe that we never know where we might meet someone, so why not be ready at all times? I put my best foot forward every day when I left my house. I was going to live with the positive energy I was feeling. The memory of being on that deserted island still fresh in my mind was a daily reminder to smile and enjoy the moment of now.

To move ahead and eventually become part of a couple again, we must face that first date, the first kiss and eventually the first intimate moment when we reveal our authentic self, down to our naked core, to someone new.

I discovered I had keen instincts and I followed them; I always ended up knowing the right path, ending up where and with whom I should be. There have been a few curves in the road, warning signs I chose to ignore. So, like a child, I had to learn from my mistakes made by poor judgment. The most important lesson I have discovered is that it is not about finding Mr. Right, rather about feeling right about myself when I am with another person.

Years have passed since that initial crash landing and I realized there is no rushing time. There is a process to life after divorce and we cannot skip any stages. We choose our own pace with emphasis on different elements of our transformation, but there is no doubt that each of us will step forward into a new reality. There will ultimately be a sense of empowerment that can only be gained by facing life challenges head on. Only then can we can set out on a new flight plan and hopefully this time we will be better equipped to navigate through the various  storm systems.

Once we learn to fly solo, co-piloting will be a breeze and we can then take flight into the blue skies with grace and a clear view of our final destination.

My journey of “365 Days to Find Love” is my gift to other people flying solo who at times may be feeling lost in their new world. I hope sharing my stories and personal insights of that year will give strength and inspiration to those who need to leave the nest. They will find comfort in knowing that the wind will be beneath their wings when they are ready to soar.

Life is not about your final destination–rather the journey we take to get there.

– Cheryl xo