“Breaking Up”

How do we break up? When do we do it? How do we recover from it?

Cheryl: “Rip off the Band-Aid or peel it slowly?

There is no easy way to break up with someone. It’s probably one of the hardest things to do when you know that things are coming to an end, you know that you need to do something about it and you have to communicate your feelings without hurting the other person which in most cases is inevitable.

Natalia: “This question is so challenging because it really depends, I think there are great principles but each break up has a different strategy, it depends on how long you’ve been dating.”

Cheryl: “When it’s time to break up there’s often that sinking feeling that you know you have to do it, and we drag it on, some drag it on for months, some for years knowing that they’re not in the right relationship, it doesn’t really do you or the other person any good to do it and if that’s where you’re thinking the compassion is, it’s actually counterproductive.”

Rather than avoiding the issue and hoping that the other person will get the hint, try to be honest. Take that time, have compassion, don’t use the cliché one liners; “It’s not you; it’s me” as Jeff one of the listeners suggested, “I’m not in a good place right now”, don’t explain away your break up by text or email. Take matters into your own hands and have that break up talk like adults. It will give you both reliefs knowing where things stand and allow you to talk things through, exchange your thoughts and hopefully express your emotions.

Cheryl: “I really believe that you owe that person that face to face, you take that time and you have that heart to heart, if you have a reason to break                                                                                      up be honest tell the person what it is.”

Natalia: “if you let this person go with compassion and with honesty than they can recover, get back out there and then in 6 months, a year find someone who really loves them the way they deserve to be loved.”

We have all experienced breakups whether the relationship lasted a few weeks, a few months or several years.  Breakups are part of life and can leave us feeling heartbroken, angry, lost and cloud our sense of self.

Ending a relationship is very difficult whether you choose to end it or the other person decides it’s over, especially in cases where you didn’t see it coming. This can have effects on you emotionally and physically. While there is no secret recipe in dealing with the pain of a split, creating a healthy lifestyle and support system is essential to getting through the challenging times as you take the proper steps to healing and moving forward to find happiness.

Cheryl: “The first part is you go through the hurt, and then everybody goes through an anger stage, where you’re angry at the situation you might be angry at the other person, you may be angry at yourself, or just the way life is going and then you start the healing process…some people get stuck in it but hopefully you move through the anger and go to the healing process.”

Painful breakups can cloud your thinking and it seems almost impossible to look beyond the immediate feelings of pain and loss. You may have trouble remembering all the things you appreciate because you’re so focused on the negative and the black clouds hovering continuously over your mind.

 Natalia: “When there’s a breakup, there’s one person that has checked out or has lost that connection with the person, If there hasn’t been communication leading up to the breakup, I find it can be especially traumatic because it’s coming out of nowhere, sometimes these people that know that they are breaking up or want to go in that direction, they are already starting to disconnect, recover, start to build a life on their own.”                                                              

Focusing on all the things that you are thankful for can help brighten your outlook on life and shift your attention to the positive. You may initially have to force yourself to think of all the things you’re grateful for, but as you repeat the process, the negative thoughts won’t consume you as much. It’s a learning process that one can’t avoid and must go through.

Treating yourself well during the post-breakup period is a must. While it’s true that time heals all wounds, you can speed up the process of moving forward by taking control of your health and well-being such as: consulting with a professional coach, exercising regularly, doing more of the things that you love, taking on new activities, practicing gratitude and taking the time to rediscover yourself. The best way is to be progressive as it instills confidence in us and our capabilities.

Jarred: “One way that I do help people understand it or get through it in some way  is by explaining that everything in life does happen for a reason, and you may encounter someone whether it’s for a minute, a day, a week, a year or a life time and understand that there was a lesson that was learned, you didn’t encounter that person by mistake, it was meant to happen and you could always take something from that and maybe it was just meant that you were meant to be with them for that amount of time and it wasn’t meant to go further.”

It can be quite challenging to see the bright side when you’re heading towards a breakup or in the middle of it and your heart is hurting. But chances are some good things came from your relationship. Every situation teaches you lessons that are valuable and make you stronger. It is important to try and see that you also gained something from the time you shared with that person. Breakups help you learn from your mistakes, allow you to grow and hopefully not repeat patterns of the past.

Jarred: “Generally, we’re here as souls to learn lessons and to grow and most of the lessons that we’re going to learn come from difficult experiences not necessarily from the easy experiences.”

After a breakup, it’s often hard to get excited about things, but the only way to start enjoying your life again is to push yourself to get out there and be proactive about healing. Treat yourself to something that makes you feel good. Take charge of your own mind, body and soul as self-care is essential to the healing process. You can’t skip the stages that you need to go through to heal. Surrounding yourself with family and good friends will help ease feelings of sadness, loneliness and by doing the things that make you feel better about yourself will help your journey towards happiness.

Natalia: “One of the biggest misconceptions is the concept of time.  People think that time will heal it, but I think there is so much work that is involved with processing it , with getting it out, talking to people, taking care of yourself, it becomes like a lifestyle for a while.”

Cheryl: “One of the things that I’m always interested in seeing is the difference between people who take a relationship that has ended and they grow from it, versus the person who closes up because of it and the fact is that every relationship that we have is meant to teach us a lesson and the breakup sometimes teaches us our best lessons.”

Often people lose themselves in relationships, so breakups give you a chance to re discover who you are, the things you enjoy doing in life, the things that perhaps you left aside by being in that relationship. It enables you to make better choices going forward when choosing a future partner, someone who in time will suit you better. If you take the right steps, your heart will heal; you will bounce back to a happy place and find love again if you open up your heart.

Natalia: “There are gifts in breakups you develop resilience, you get to know yourself a lot better it could be a motivator.”

Cheryl: “That’s what the breakup is meant to do, it is to teach you something so the next time you do it better.”

If you need any dating advice, please do not hesitate to reach out to me 1-844-744-SOLO (7656)

Cheryl xo