Cheryl Besner: Breaking up is hard to do
You’ve just broken up with a person whom you thought was the love of your life and your forevermore.
The days following consist of never-ending thoughts of that person. No matter who you are, people tend to romanticize the relationship beyond what might have been the truth of your connection. It’s called the “halo effect”: Quite simply, your ex becomes the angel and you’re the devil in disguise who ruined everything.
Two scenarios usually unfold. For some, hibernation is the answer. Locking themselves in their house, crying, watching endless soap operas or football games, much the way Bridget Jones wrote about in her diary. The other thing that many people do is try to distract themselves by making endless plans; running from friend to friend, activity to activity.
Whichever option you choose, at some point, you’ll have to wake up one day, face the pain, and understand how you got to where you are and what contributed to the breakup.
The fact is, you are no longer a couple! It’s on you to decide: Are you actually mourning the loss of the person, or is the fear of flying solo holding you back from acknowledging that your relationship was not the right one?
In the first stages of a breakup, we often second-guess the reasons we have chosen to leave. It’s as if there are two voices speaking to us: Our own, doubting our judgement, and that of those around us, who inadvertently cause us to doubt our decision. By making seemingly innocent comments, like “Oh, that’s too bad! He was so fabulous for you!” or “What a shame! He seemed like the nicest guy,” we start to question ourselves. Did we indeed do the right thing in ending the relationship – or have we acted too hastily?
Believe it or not, this is the hardest part of the breakup to navigate. We can spend days and weeks questioning our motivation and agonizing over whether or not we did the right thing. That’s when the age-old expressions “time heals all wounds” and “only time will tell” become relevant.
My advice is to work through your fears as quickly as possible and own the truth, so that you can begin to heal without letting doubt constantly re-open the wound.
Write down the reasons you are no longer together, each one on a separate piece of paper, and put them in a jar. Then, write down all the things you need in a relationship and the qualities you seek in your future beloved. Whenever you start to question your actions, open the cupboard door where you have put those two jars and ask yourself: Which has more of what you want in your life?
In my opinion, the best way to help yourself get over a breakup is to make personal progress.
Often, when we experience a loss, we feel that we are at fault, that we did something wrong, and thus we become very hard on ourselves. The best way to counterbalance that is to do something that shows you just how strong, capable, and good you are! It’s about taking on a challenge and coming out the winner. In feeling confident, we feel strong – and strength is what you need to move forward.
A time of strength-building is also a time when you can learn and grow from the relationship you were in. Every person who comes into our life does so to teach us something – about love, life, the world around us, and mostly about ourselves. Even the negatives become positive once you know how to process the information and apply it to future relationships so you don’t repeat the past.!
The sun will come out tomorrow. But in the meantime, even on those grey mornings, get up, open the curtains, look outside, and appreciate the view of the past, the present, and the future. We need them all to move towards that tomorrow!
Tune in to Solo in the City Radio over the coming weeks for my show on breakups, when Marni Batista will join me to help you though a time that sometimes feels like it may never end. Also, be sure to check all the exciting updates to our KISS calendar. Even when your heart is hurting, it’s all about the KISS!
– Cheryl xo
